I hope you are well, gods I hope!
(I am again, except - I miss you beyond description.)
One informative wordpress website is in the making!
On this domain. But still is worked on.
(since today with good progress 10.08.26)
Update Thu 03.09.26:
Still at it.
Switched to new Domain (like - obviously) due to IONOS...
issues. (Raised VServer price up 100% due to the energy
prices. Well, if they use AI in everything... nope!)
I hope knowledge is what is missing on your side, too.
I will provide, what I can, when I can.
Most likely on site.jobiwan - etc.
Here is already quite a bit, I hope it helps.
The login is trickier to build, than expected.
JavaScript logic in Wordpress, might have to dig deep in
Plugin creation.
But I need a layer of security for myself, thats why I have to
do it like this.
So: login needs three colors, and one brand name.
You know - from a shared experience. At school.
God, I hope you know, what I am talking about.
Believing in this miracle, but not knowing - is quite the weight
on the shoulders. Or, even if it would be actually happening,
not knowing, what your stance on this is.
Maybe even the reason, why you ghosted me for so long.
I hope you ultimately - want - this. Only due to "ego fear" and
historical situationing a bit on hold. (?)
I can and tell you now, what my stance is:
Oh my god - YES, I want this. This is my life and hope.
It is weird as... holy shit, is this weird.
But only if one follows ego.
I see this as kinda brilliant and quite complete explanatory model
for that duality of ego and human being.
Is it weird, that even the yin yang religion puts their beleivers
in cloisters?
I guess - not, seeing the ego in that. Relis as ego constructs to
suppress and use the message for their own benefit and control.
I really need that "home" idea. The idea of "borrowed home" is really
a game changer. A whole psyndustry has it all wrong - more or less
on purpose. Like those monks and nuns. Well, their worldly leaders.
The struggle is, to really see eye to eye in love. To have that weird
imbalance - balanced. Das "Du chef, ich nix" (what I had a loong time.)
Certainly need your spin on this, really really bad.
I am at a point, where I could stay until my end, whine a bit, whyyy
"we" did not live as "we", and drop dead.
But that is one horror though deluxe right there.
I do not know your pains, fears, blocks, but I assume, ours are not that
different. Idk? Are they? I know, that my ability of imagination
and immersive empathy is quite well developed, and I know my ego quite
well, at this point.
Sometimes I think, you are just one device control away - aaand nothing.
Again. Device didn't go 'Brrrrt'.
Did you though someting like, I could be a bit under your... control?
Maybe?
I tried to figure out, what went so wrong, back in the day.
And after those two weeks, where my yearlong therapy and hospital stays
lead to your inner absence.
One morning, I woke up, and your presence was gone.
And I tried and tried to describe that feeling to myself, and why it was
somehow worse than that one night of hell, I had. Was that... shared?
I have so so many questions that are utmost important to me, but without
you help, aka willingness to talk to me, it's all vein.
That mentioned state I can only (not even) describe as - undefined.
In the worst possible way.
And somewhat I think you know exactly what I am talking
about. I could be wrong about that, am I wrong about that?
And possibly so many other assumptions, I HAD to make to even proceed?
Alone the thought, that you might have kicked me out, not because I am a
creep (well...), but (siding with possibly fear and being overwhelmed
and just following what feels right/least painful or so...)
to protect me from you...
(Dont tell anyone I said that. I'll get locked up. :-) )
But you deserve that (and myself to myself, too)
[ALTHOUGH that "deserves" talktalk has internally often been rejected as
"ego talktalk", so I don't know…] [but]... you deserve me to be completely
honest with you, because everything else will lead to nowhere.
And I rather go to elsewhere, than to nowhere.
And I am quite done with lying to myself.
I am not bound to common rules of what to think and to say anymore, so I
do just that, telling you my side, as crazy it may sound.
This is from quite deep within, and I know very well the problems,
"translating" inner communication to, well, words.
A LOT is missing by only communicating with those.
That said: I tried to really see it from your perspective.
And depending of what is actually happening, everything is either
assumed or already kind of communicated.
If back then things happened a little too much like you hoped for
them to happen on occasion... you might have come to the conclusion,
that I am ... let's call it being " on your wave" a little too intense.
What did you made of it...?
Knowing myself, most likely blamed (someone, but under said assumption)
most likely youself. That's what I did. Well, blamed me! Right?
How horrible I am, what I did to you, "That stops, that stops!!
I promise..."
I do not know, if you see me as kind of ... stalker?
Or others wanted to see it that way?
Did you had the chance to process that even, to talk to some sort of... help?
I saw long time ago pictures on FB, I think?
You journeying the world with an unknown entity taking pictures
of you doing that.
I had the feeling, that someone (you, or family members
[I very much know the need to appear in a certain fashion for some people
is paramount and everything that matters.]
) wanted to show (desperatly?), that you are very okay.
Look at her, climbing mountains, looking at the sea, and whatnot.
Driving in cars with the wheel at the wrong side...(Dodo land?) ;-)
Don't hate me for looking at those now and then, you posted them...
Or claiming to be living in a "relationship" on StayFriends...
That hurt, truth to be told, but could also be a measure
to keep creeps (like me) away. Or that was just the facts then.
IF it was to keep me safe (from thoughts like:"Jump in front of
that car..." and having to fear me doing that...) then it is the
most loving thing anybody ever has done for me.
But I really would like to have had the opportunity, to have had a say
in that.
In hindsight these decisions were just right! All, yours, and mine, too.
AND - a lot has been processed in the meantime.
At least on my side. I know, I was in not a good condition,
when Fabian sent you messages and a file(?) via FB.
And when I asked him about it, he had to say, that you didn't
even opened both.
I do not know, if you did or not, there were ways to obfuscate
that, I think...
I mention this, because I left a link to a "vault" on mega at that time
where I left information for you in form of audio, video, pictures and txt.
Then I moved to Proton, left a link in the mega vault.
Then I somehow renewed the link, and messed up.
How could you now access that vault??
I gathered my Jedi mind powers and tried to submit that link (a lot of
characters and numbers and special characters...)
and found out later, that only I looked at least at that part of the vault
history.
I kinda hopoed, that you lost the link in a similar fashion, and tried to gather
your Jedi mind powers to send me a link of a vault of yours...
But thinking of that now that seems a little far fetched.
But when I posted something there, let's say a text, I said "I posted smth, let's
read", and we read, and I felt you react to it. Find typos and other reactions.
That all sounds of course completely lost, in terms or "normal".
But that does not mean, that have neccissarily right, right?
To ma a lot of that "norm" is cruel and really off.
But anyways.
I have developed strong convictions about the difference of
"Love" and "Relationships" as the difference between "Human" and
"Ego". Thats basically what I "researched" the last 30 Years.
I have gotten quite far and deep into the matter.
It works as a very complete and comprehensive explanation of "the
human being" in that mentioned ambivalence.
In all humbleness... ;-)
But it works so well in all areas, it includes all and everyone
opposing all other, rather dividing models.
Be it as it may, the one thing important to me is, that you are okay!
And if that is "mirrored", it would add to the mentioned reason, to
well, kick me out of your life. But how okay can one get?
Is pure survival "okay"?
Is there more than "okay" possible?
I think, we are so close to what is "the home". I really see parallels to the
biblical (old testament) pardise! No joke!
It seems lightyears away, given the "facts" - World facts. But on the inside,
what happened there?
It is amazing! The process hurt like crazy, at times.
And lead to places, I would rather avoid in the future, inside and
outside.
(Btw: living condition is 'single', never married, no kids, residing at
moms house in, lower saxony. My father passed 2014 (I think. Well the
year is not quite certain, the rest is accurate.))
There were places, I called "hell", mostly inside.
But with that... persistence and hope I could not just give up.
At that "undefined" state, I just could have taken what I had
experienced, "learned" by then, and made money, status, etc.
I kinda hope, that you very well know, what I mean.
My then therapist said: "Success!", and I tried to see it that
way, too. For, well, two weeks.
Then the "human" side asked the "ego" side:
What for? Whatever I would achieve, what for? With whom
could I share this all, like I could and want with you?
There is only one person, I love.
That is not changeable, for what it's worth.
Nobody could ever love anyone
like I love you.
Except if this is mirrored.
I am runnig outta writing juice now.
I make it quick, then.
IF you did this to protect me ultimately, (and the secrets in your mind),
stop staying away please. IF this is a one mind YinYang TagTeam Combo deluxe
we already have, I would suggest the same.
BUT: I do not know your facts, your events, your past.
If you can not, (Oh I know that feeling from school...) thats okay!
I am not going anywhere.
IF you are "in here" as well, I am not going anywhere!
This is really daring, for some reason, still.
If there actually IS love, then it is mutual. That's just it.
There is no way around that.
And that would mean, (logically, emotionally I would still like your
opinion on that ;-) ) that you love me - the same aforementioned way.
I still have trouble to allow that thought, but logically I would
even call it completely pure.
So, knowing the trouble, that thoughts/ego can make:
IF you feel like so - then dare to do so!
Think it, visualize, imagine - it is then already real,
just not physically happening. I hope: "Yet".
(And talk to me, please! Yes, in here, I can take it!)
IF you would like it to happen, we will help us make it
happen. I have no clue, how. I know these blocks up and down.
Maybe this here already will do something. If you are daring looking
at this.
I won't say it now, it feels cheesy, but oh boy - I do! In the
aforementioned way.
Uffff
And sorry for a lot of inner nagging!! :)
I visualized often as a door, I tried to open to the best of my
abilities. But realized, that you keep this door closed.
So it is your decision at this point.
Looking back I feel strongly, both of us hoped, the other one
would take the decision in their hands, and make thing happen.
Best if both do that, right?
And thank you, for all the times at school, where you went daringly
out of your way, to show me your ... interest?
Sports class, night walk, Yes torty, etc.
The mentioned two resurrections... they make sense with this
long researched background, no?
"Das passt." was my thought, while walking arm in arm with you
through Desden. Hopefully yours, too.
Again, thank you for not leaving me there in a ditch!
And take my apologies for every time I somehow hurt you!
IF you would happen to need an acceptance on any matter
of that kind, too - worrie not, there is actually nothing to forgive!
Even if I want to, and will, if you let me!
All those actions kept us safe, going, hoping enough, to be still
around.
For me it is all about this anymore. (You). Everything else - alone -
is completely uninteresting for me.
But what we could do together... is to be explored!
I have this idea about a computer mouse device, which is stickable
anywhere, e.g. at the shoulder or leg, or back of the hand, etc.
Benefit of course is having the arm in a way more personal ergonomic
way. I suffered from mouse shoulder once, that was quite painful.
Oh: timeline.
Shool, NDR education, worked 3/4 year there, kicked out. Well, dissolving
contract.
After "the events" I hung around for a while, fully focusing on the inside.
Once I was to transport a kitchen from my Uncle to here, 7,5 ton car.
I was driving, my brother Martin was along.
All of the sudden had the thought, that you might drive on this very highway
right now. And then I felt you having an accident.
Turmoil, and then you left under arm broke, and silence?
I said I would need to stop, bro said, "Nah, rather keep driving..."
I stopped on the side lane anyways and bro went out to get to my seat.
While being in front of the truck, I collapsed.
My foot was hitting the gas pedal, luckily the other was stuck on
the Kupplung and had the breaks tightened.
But the motor apparently roared on max rpm.
Luckily nothing further happened.
My bro drove the rest to here. I spent 3 months here, basically in one room.
I felt, like I had to recover.
I wonder if and what of that is mirrored on your side.
I did not drive for a long time. (No prob at all now!)
Plus in that time was that "radio game" running, where I listened to a song on
a certain station and then told you the song. Then you would switch on the
Radio and had a blast, that you knew the song.
Crazy, huh? Especially considering this: mirrored or complimentary?
If you are even familiar with that terminology.
How about the concept of "need"? "Branching" local info?
"I am curious as shit!" (Ian Bagg)
So much "content" came up at the right time!
So many clarifying thoughts.
So many hilarious humor attacks!
I consider this mind like this:
You and me are like two mobile devices, connected to a server (of unknown
location and origin. ;-)
Thats the best explanatory picture, I could come up with as of now.
That would mitigate your possible horror, being in control over me,
while explaining the events regarding ... the weirdness!
But it feels already so natural. So right.
I would still like and need to know, if this is actually happening, buut
you know... that blaming and whining and "aaarrghh the pain..." is not
really the cup of tea of coice anymore.
I rather have a defty joke countering that ego program.
But that's just "me", how do you appraoch this? (If there is smth to
approach?)
Oh. Did you call me on my mobile once? (Or thrice, actuially?)
I played console (its certainly mutiple years ago already...) in the afternoon,
and got an earthquake of emotion - without local cause.
I settled myself and played on.
The next day, I saw one call without number.
I thought, "that's odd..." and wanted to move on, but then I saw the time.
And that happened to be the time of that mentioned earthquake.
"THAT WAS YOU???" and big hello about that...
Do you happen to know anything about that?
Again, I technically could be just a lunatic, then would be you ignoring
me kinda with full logic support.
I thought: what use could a call w/o number have for a scammer?
But there are so many possibilities whatcould be the cause for this.
And are not you.
IF you did that, I think Need was right there at work!
Because, that kept me going. I needed that, really. Even that vague possibility
stabilized and motivated me. Believe it, or not.
What a weirdo, right?
If you would have anything like that up your sleeve again, that would be
really cool. 'Cause though I am dealing with the situation impeccably
awesome... it's still quite the weight on the shoulders.
And in case were in the same shoes here - here is my info container.
And don't worry about the non ... functioning device... if you know, what I
am targeting here... it was resolved quickly and thoroughly, and I guess you made
an effort there, too.
All just guessing. As long as the main thing of this mind "shared space" -
all is good.
And if not - I probably never will find out.
Do you know those instances in car traffic, where the sitch is:
"If I do not move, then nobody can move further!"?
So I had to drive back a bit, let sbdy else drive first, or whatever.
I feel like this now, so this is my bit to get us out of this pinch mill.
I know, I need information, so I give you information, which might
empower you, to give me information back, and so on.
I'll let this as is for now.
Be safe, be you, kick ego ass!
If you think, nobody would understand being stuck or missing someone beyond
comprehension while outside being "normal"... you have come to the right place.
I mean I do, right?
:-)
I can not wait to talk to you! But - like obviously - , I will. And therfore -
can.
CU later :-)
P.S.: why english? For me like an internal vpn to local 3rd party.
Hope that makes any sense to you. :-)